What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 06:41
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Ive learnt so much.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She married twice! .
We all went to grammer schools
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So, i spoilt her more .
What AI tool can be used to write exactly in the human writing style?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Comes on , in middle age.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
All the time i was locked up.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She found it foreign!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why did i forgive my father ?
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I waited trembling.
I said to her
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When she asked me how she looked .
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Who then, do I blame.?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was scared of men, in general
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It was going to be , some day.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was in good health!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I will be 64.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I don,t even have a pension.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I couldn’t, believe it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But it wasn’t much.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She loved him until the end.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But, we were locked up after school.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
(And it was in our own minds.)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was 9 years of age.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im still living with it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I think the readers, may guess!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And i lived it daily.
I was very sick at this time too.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My life is so biszare .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She wouldn,t have been !
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
What did i know ?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My family never makes their pension either.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I write beautiful poetry .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One cannot live in the past .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Put me off passion for life!!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I have no regrets .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Would this be the day?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We were not on the streets..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
This is soul school!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
On the 31st of Jan this month .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I could never make a relationship work though!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was seconnd youngest,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He knew the spot.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So whats the point in blame.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.